breakfast conversation

A: How are things?

B: hmm... it's all blank and dark for me right now... I am struggling to get some clarity of what i want to do, and what i can do...

A: sometimes... it is better to do what we can do... *I mean safe...

B: of course, yes. But, what if it's not exciting?

A: *U don't have an option... but you can give it a try with the other option in parallel... if it doesn't clash...

B: That's true, there is no other option. I think i need to do more brainstorming.

A: yeah... so... we have to do something to feed ourselves...

B: WHAT'S THE POINT is my frequent self-question...

A: I know... that is mine also... but I always avoid it... 'cos there is no answer...

B: hope we didn't become too senile for this age! :-(

A: hmm... i guess... if we convince ourselves... that this is what we wanted to do... at least for limited period of time... and keep the remaining period... open... and start giving real ourselves... it should work fine..

B: agreed :-)

B: i can see that, we have to organise our thoughts and dreams as beautifully as a cleanly organized house, otherwise it's just a mess!

A: It is... I agree with you... 100%

A: hmm.. only thing is.. we should be ready to take failure..

B: that's true. just a random question... is there a failure or success concept for LIFE, in general?

A: I'm giving myself... "more than 10% success..." as the base line... :) I'm happy to fail 89.999% for the 10% success...

B: I like it :-) Good day ahead!

A: You too :-)

PS: this is a conversation between two friends... almost in same phase of life and thinking about what's going on!

hope...

i was standing in my balcony... looking into the sky... there were clouds... moving hastily... there were stars... shining and smiling... showering the rays of beauty... there was one star... shining brighter than the rest... i felt some joy... joy that is inexplicable... i closed my eyes... i could still see that star... then, it was shining even more... there was a smile on my face... something that i never had before... something that i may not have in future... i can still imagine that star... still there... shining bright... shining forever... smiling forever... i have a hope... hope that i will reach there... someday!!!

happy new year!!!

Another year has passed... goodbye old year and welcome new year!!! what did I do for the new year eve... I've gone for a disco... had party... chosen a slim petite girl as my partner and danced a lot... and rock and roll... huh, pretty fancy dream!!! I didn't do any of these... while the train that was carrying me was heading towards Secunderabad, I was dreaming about my meet with D the next day!!!

It's simply another day of the life... only the calendar changes its digits, announcing that another year has successfully gone, good or bad, sweet or bitter!!! but, somewhere at the corner of the mind, we feel like we are crossing some milestone... suddenly, we feel conscious about what we've accomplished in the last year, and how better we can make the coming year... so many resolutions, that will most probably fade out faster than the newly arrived number of the year!!! and... it's the same life... not big change... routine, as usual!!!

Unlike the previous year, I prefer staying without making any resolutions... when the resolutions themselves keep changing everyday, what's the point in making one at all??? Preferably, I would like to make myself more comfortable internally, smile healthily, and breath easy...

I wish you all a new year ahead with good luck, joy, happiness and strength to materialize the dreams!!!

last night...

last night... I was sleeping in my bed room... slowly, I started hearing some murmuring from somewhere... suddenly, those voices became clear... now, I could hear them properly... it's a female voice... laughing loudly, and crying in between... I suspected that it must be one of those girls from the next door... I got up and opened the door to see if everything is alright... nobody was there on the stairs... still, the voices are there... I guess, there was a male voice too, making some strange sounds... I went downstairs to see if somebody was there... the apartment security door was wide open and the watchman was nowhere around... something must be really wrong... a sudden chill went down my spine... I went out to find out from where the voices are coming... nobody was nearby, but I saw a short girl, dressed in white gown, walking away from the apartment gates... she must be around 16-18... I could hear her sobbing... I was cursing my watchman for not being there, and I started walking faster to reach her... no idea what I wanted to inquire her, but my curiosity didn't allow me to go back to my flat... I kept walking, and she was walking even faster... but, the sobs were still there... I have gained pace and started running towards her... I was even shouting at her to stop... but, no response from her side and she kept on running... I was panting like anything, and I was damn so tired to run in that midnight, all alone on the empty dark road... finally, she has stopped and I have reached her in another minute... something at the back of my mind was telling me "go back you idiot, it's not your business to care for an unknown girl, at this hour of the midnight"... I've slowly gathered up my courage and asked her, who she was and what she was doing there... she has turned back suddenly... oh my god!!! I was sweating all over my body...

huh... thank god, that was a nightmare!!! and everything was alright... and there was a bottle of water besides my bed to quench my thirst... uff... I think, I should stop watching thriller movies!!!

mummy, i need your love!!!

yesterday morning, when i was drinking tea along with my colleague, in front of my office building, i have seen a lady coming towards the office building... she was carrying her son in her hands... from her looks, i realized that she was looking for somebody... and my guess was right... another lady has come out from the first floor of the building and started chatting this and that with the first one...

the baby boy was so cute with his chubby cheeks, curly black hair, shining baby fat and those charming glistening eyes... the second lady was trying to make friends with this boy... he has hesitated for a while and took his time to make sure that she is not an evil creature... finally, he said his name in his own discrete syllables and shifted to the second lady's hands...

two minutes passed... i took no notice of them, chatting with my colleague... i heard the baby boy crying for her mom, from the car he was sitting in, "mommeeee... mummeee.... come with me to home... i don't want to go alone"... incidentally, it was clear to me that the first lady was not a visitor but a working woman in the same office building... this reminded me of those hell like residential school days, way back when i was ten years old, and how badly we used to wait for our parents on every weekend... though this boy is not in a residential school, i guess his situation is worse than ours... the hell with this corporate race, making these children miss the tender touch of their mothers, and hence making them emotionally lagging...

i wish i had some time to go and spend with this boy!!!

this thing called love...

LOVE... some people simply say it's just a four letter word and it's----- bosh!!! on the other hand, the same four letter word occupies the whole thought process for some!!!

this thing called love... makes one admire even a falling flower... makes one to kiss the ugliest kid... makes one smile even at the extremely difficult times... makes one to hug the tiniest gift that reminds the loved one, and feel as if that's the greatest possession on the earth... makes one sleepless even after a tiresome day... makes one feel nothing is important... makes one wonder how life would have been if this is not there... makes one discover the different person in himself/herself... makes one see beauty in everything that comes their way!!!

this thing called love... makes one feel jealous... makes one feel the distress... makes one frustrated... makes one feel nothing else is important... makes one blind to realities... makes one deaf to conscience, and listen only to heart... makes one go crazy at times... makes one so sad and down... makes one wonder why he/she is still alive and for whom... makes one behave so silly and possessive... makes one forget the self and yearn to be somebody else... makes one laugh at oneself for all that stupidity... makes one fearless to death!!!

this thing called love... is so mysterious!!!

unanswered...

when the rest of the world is moving ahead... moving ahead on a path that never ends... passing through a myriad of phases... leaving everybody puzzled... not knowing the answer for 'what next?'...

when the rest of the world is moving ahead... i am here... i am here, standing still... puzzled with those countless emotions... those countless feelings... unidentified pains... and, unanswered questions...

the dew drop hanging on the lonely leaf of the banyan plant, grown from the corner of my balcony, is making me wonder... making me wonder 'how this tiny thing has acquired so much of beauty out of nowhere?'

the dog lying besides the road, its leg half crushed by the ruthlessly blind city bus driver, and its hunger never fully satisfied, is asking me... asking me 'in what way you are better than me?'

the golden colored cleavage of the girl in a violet silky top, casually exposed by her while standing in the checkout counter of the grossery store, is questioning me... questioning me 'why the hell are you gaping at me? you don't have an invitation here'

the shapeless awkward stone, lying besides a busy traffic road, decorated with fresh garlands, turmeric and incense sticks, is troubling me... troubling me with a thought 'when will these people be self-reliant rather than blindly worshipping some silly stones'

the clear sky in the night after a day full of rain, with its romantic blue color and added decoration of stars, is throwing me a puzzle... a puzzle 'where is your destination among these stars?'

the last leaf on the unnamed tree in front of my college building, turned to brown and dry after its trimphant longer life than its peers, and finally falling to the ground, is inquiring me... inquiring me 'you will be like me someday. when shall we meet?'

how human are we?

It was a gloomy Saturday afternoon. A flock of birds was spending great time searching for food and playing on the main road. Out of the sudden, a big truck sped through... sad thing had happened again.

Birds can feel too. Although this bird had already died, another bird flew over to her immediately, just like a family member, unable to accept the truth.

Not long after that, another car stormed in causing the dead bird's body to whirl with the wind. The spouse noticed the movement. As if she was still alive, he quickly flew beside her again.

He stayed beside her and yelled ... "WHY ARE YOU NOT GETTING UP!?"

Unfortunately, she's no longer able to hear him. In the meantime, he's trying to lift her up.

He, of course, was unable to bear the burden. Another car soon passed by. He quickly flew off. Once the car had gone, he came down again.

Although other birds told him its useles, he never gave up. He was trying his best to lift her up to see her flying again. Another car passed by, her dead body whirled again as if still alive and trying to fly.

He had used all of his energy, however...

The photographer said he couldn't shoot any longer. The photographer was so worried that the living bird was going to get hurt by passing cars. So he picked up the dead bird and left it at the roadside. The live one still lingered at a nearby tree as if crying with his singing and refused to leave.

Do humans have the same feelings nowadays? I wonder.

PS: This was a mail sent by one of my friends. Two days back, I was walking to Yeshwantapur along with Krishna to eat bajji's there. We found a deadbody of an orphan woman lying beside the road. Many people (that includes both of us) were there, simply taking a look and walking away. Policemen were taking photographs for their official records. I wish we can do something to avoid this kind of happenings in our society, than just walking away!!!

marriage market...

it is second week of May and many people are getting married... a time for everybody to glitter in nice ornaments and jewellery... to meet relatives and friends... look for bride/groom for oneself... learning about relatives and relations... a time to celebrate and rejoice... marriage... a very important milestone in everybody's life, personally, socially, and in general, psychologically...

everytime i call my parents these days, they are mentioning about this or that marriage, immediately followed by the details about what that groom does, how he is, and how much he has taken as dowry!!! i still wonder how this custom of dowry, which started in rich class families as a gift to bride, has become a mandatory thing in almost all families... especially, in south indian states, this is too badly grown... it is OK from groom's side to accept some financial assistance from bride, in case he is not economically strong or able... ironically, the more the groom is able, the more they are demanding... it's something like 1:100 ratio... a person earning 30k per month needs 30 lakh as a gift... what the hell is this? that means, he is demanding the same amount of money which he can see only if he saves all his earnings (with the current rate) continuously for eight years!!! don't you think it is too pathetic? still ironic thing is that bride's side families are ready to give that lumpsome too (even if that is more than their capability)!!!

law also successfully failed to implement dowry law, because we lack that social concern... more than that, these customs are so deeply engrossed in people's mind set that we all feel like it's a natural process... many girls (i don't know what portion) whom i know, who are working in good firms and having enough educational background, still say that they are not sure if they will work after marriage because, it all depends on the groom's decision... why parents are moulding their daughters into such a dependent personalities?

if some boy says he doesn't like to take dowry, people are suspecting his manhood!!! this is another aspect of this brutal custom... the more the dowry, the more it gives fame in their local community people... why should the girl's parents wash the groom's feet for kanyadaan while groom's parents happily enjoy their stature of "groom's parents"?? is it just because of that non-deterministic probability of X and Y cromosomes which decides whether the kid is going to be male or female? if the bride is able enough and earning sufficiently more than the groom, will that groom's parents ready to wash that bride's feet?

not all our customs may be wrong... but, is there a single logical explaination for these silly things? when will our society grow up to abolish these nasty traditions? when will our parents agree for a love-marriage without asking caste/community/religion and dowry? when will the time come to delete the column "caste and religion" from applications? when will this marriage market be ended?

life is beautiful...

many times, i used to ask myself "why am i born?"... of course, i have never ended up with an answer!!! what a silly question "why am i born?"!!! i don't know whether my line of thinking is too silly or abstract, but this question has really bothered me a lot... considering the whole world as a big system with different elements, i am nowhere considerable/important as an individual!!! it doesn't matter much to this world about whether i am born/alive/dead... all of us are visitors to this planet with different class of tickets!!! i am not responsible for why i am born... i don't have any control over when/how i will die... what really matters is how/why i am living!!! I am the supreme in my own world of thinking (it must be the same case with everybody i guess)... i have the whole responsibility for my deeds... i am the creator/administrator for 'my world'...

in those days of distress, i feel like in hell and curse myself... and life looks just like hell... but, how does it turns into hell just because i am not OK with myself? it all depends on how i perceive the world/life... if i look at it with a positive perspective, it is beautiful and enthusiastic, it really is!!! otherwise, it sucks... why to cry on very few things when life has given all the more reasons to smile and rejoice? i feel/believe "life is beautiful"... friends, nature, beauty, work, studies, coffee, sleep, music, books, puzzles, writings, ice-creams etc. are there to keep me happy... i agree that there will be moments where we can't help being dull... but, remember it is only a phase... let us not make it bigger and make things worse to get out of!!! little-bit of patience, little-bit of love, little-bit of take-it-easy attitude, and a little-bit of care is enough to make life simpler and happier...

believe me... life is really beautiful!!!

PS: i have started blogging one year back with similar lines in my first post... happy birthday to my blog :-)

to learn how to swim, jump into the pool!!!

i was in my bed... dreaming... dreaming that you are with me... you were sitting besides me... on the same bench... resting your head on the desk... waiting for me to solve the problem... closing your eyes... you look so relaxed... that i am there to solve the things... i was looking into the pages... trying how best i can solve the problem... i did it... then i looked at you... at your cheeks... so smooth with a tinge of pink color... looked at your closed eyes... so innocent... so confident... i was wondering... what if you leave me someday... leaving me all alone... months rolled... and you left me... no, you didn't... time has brought these things... even before i noticed that... what happened next?... i don't know... don't know what am i doing... what am i supposed to do... don't know how to do even the simplest thing on the earth... what happened to me?... where is the energy gone?... what happened to my strengths?... all of them are with you... in you... leaving me as an empty shell... shell of no value... no beauty... no strength... days passed... passed like years... life became miserable... miserable without you... without you giving me the strength... the courage... the confidence... but still... life is going... going on... now i realized... realized that i should learn... learn to live alone... live alone with myself... an individual myself... strong... confident... bold... enthusiastic... and cheerful... those lonely nights... nights without sleep... sleeps without dreams... dreams without colors... colors without brightness... told me the truth... the truth that i should start... start living life... a beautiful life... colorful life... yes... i should... to learn swimming... i should jump into a pool... yes... i am in a pool now... learning how to live... how to live a life... without you... without anybody... with confidence... with liveliness... with energy... i know... i know it is hard... harder than anything... but still... i should... so am i!!!

the diary...

last night, i was feeling terribly bored and alone... started browsing my old diaries, which are neatly arranged from 2003 onwards... not all the pages are filled but, every page that is filled looked important... i went through some of good old memories, which made me laugh, cry, and finally silent...

i found some of the hotel bills that i 've paid during treat given by me to my girl friend for the first time, the movie tickets, and some of the letters... which includes a small slip saying i am an idiot but still lovable!!! the feeling is awsome... i don't really understand why people have really forgotten the beauty of hand-written letters... a mail reaches a computer, but a letter reaches the hands of our loved ones... the difference is large... we can hug a letter or a diary but not a mail or a computer... sometimes, i feel like i am crazy or over-sentimental... everything that i've shared with my loved ones always reminds me those wonderful days... how romantic is the song "kitni baatein yaad aati hai?"...

the diary is a reflection of our transition from the past to present... it never objects to what we write or feel... true sink for the whole bunch of feelings... it is the only thing that reminds us what we did in the past, how we were, and what decisions we have taken... only thing it demands is a little bit of patience and mood to visit it...

most of my diaries are presented by my friends... of course, if nobody presents, i will take them to some bookstore and make them buy for me... every year, i will buy one or two diaries to present to friends... a kind of selfish gift that we can spend... because, it brings your memory to those friends whenever they write their diary... i have already got one from krishna for the coming year... this year's diary is completely filled with mixed emotions... i must say that there is a clear transition in my personality from the start of the year to the date... hopefully, in a positive direction...

hoping that this habbit of writing diary will not die!!!

The quarter-life crisis

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

PS: Author is unknown, I got this through one of my best friends! And, it really touched me.

waiting for 'someone'

dussarah has gone with a long weekend... month has changed... same with the weather... slow swift from clear sky to cloudy... it's awsome to look at this october sky which is partly cloudy and partly bright... the half moon visible in the evening is soooo charming... and so are my thoughts!!! from a state of turbulence, slowly getting into clear zone... the constantly nagging questions like 'what do i want in life?', 'what do i really like to do?', 'what is my destiny?' are still not completely answered... but still, slowly getting accustomed to the fact that life has its charm and beauty in making you ponder about 'what next?'... trying to find joy in every small thing... listening to kenny G's 'joy of life', sankar mahadevan's breathless, suprabhatham by MS, reading at least one short story everyday, sunset, afternoon drizzle, and the bright moon in the sky etc... these things are keeping me healthy and happier... in other words, moon light days have arrived!!!

one more interesting thing... now, i am believing the saying 'someone somewhere is made for you', as is said in 'dil to pagal hai'... but, how can we come to know that 'someone'??? hopefully, we should not bother about this question, i feel... when time comes, something deep in your heart, the bell rings!!! i am waiting for that someone!!!

well, here is a question for you folks... in fact, a doubt which myself wanted to know since long!!! what's the best way to identify your soulmate? is there anything really solid importance this word 'soulmate'? if you could identify that person, what is the best way to approach and make things work out?

lonely night...

Last night, i was feeling sleepless... went to corridor and was watching the fountain... the hostel lights reflected in the puddle are amazing... sky was beautifully clear and stars were shining... came out of my room and sat near the fountain... the waves in the puddle were dancing as if they want to bring my sweet and deep memories to the surface... some of the rooms are still lightened, indicating beauty of labor and wisdom... the cool breeze of the silent night surrounded me... it was thrilling, as if i am with my loved one... a nightingale was singing from its heart... i sat there for a long time... very long time... slowly all the remaining rooms became dark... i was alone... alone in that long night... dreaming of something abstract... dreaming with my eyes wide open... a lonely cloud was passing... it was visible for few minutes and slowly disappeared... it came as if to watch out what i was doing... and it passed... i was left alone again... i lied myself on the fountain wall and was watching into the sky, trying hard to find something... something very important... something very beautiful... something which can make my life meaningful... god!!! direct me, please!!!