sweet november...

winter in November is a bliss... watching out from the window pane on a cold night, listening to some old melody, will always bring back those romantic memories... especially, I like those childhood days, where we were awaken early in the morning, and were taken to the well in our old house, for a head bath with that cold water... huh, that was really chilling and painful for the first dip... once that first was over, even that cold water feels like a little warmer than the air... I remember "kaartheeka pournami" on which, we used to fast for the whole day, occasionally pestering mom for some eatables, and do pooja in the night, watching the moon in the mirror... Of course, I didn't see anything meaningful in that whole process... but, something surreal was there in that ritual... a whole bunch of sisters-in-law, brothers-in-law, grandmas, grandpas, uncles and aunts of three generations were together... people were not that selfish or adamant about privacy and stuff... their boundaries were a little broader... now, the scenario has changed... we rarely attend any function... we hardly know our relatives... we hardly dare to step out of this concrete jungle to visit those wonderful, good-old places... everything has changed in the name of well-being... in the name of corporate race... here we are, with lonely hearts yearning for a hand to solace and a soul to rely on... so sweet is this November... bringing back those memories!!!

Past...

life is going superfast these days with loads of work to finish... and interesting too!!! there is lot of fun and satisfaction in lying on the bed after a day long work... but, what happened to me these days??? struggling at least three to four hours to get sleep after going to bed!!! the reels from the PAST are reemerging from those buried neurons... making me uneasy, unhappy, and uncomfortable!!! if i look back at those sweet memories, i become sad... if i look back at those times of insecurity, i become sadder!!! tired of trying out few things like jogging, watering, aerobics, evening walk etc... and couldn't switch off the PAST... am i guilty? or am i feeling discontent about present life? or do i really lack guts to live in reality? am i not honest? or is it just insomnia that attacked me? friends say it is time to get married!!! is it really so? how can i invite anybody into my life with so much of stupidity and uncertainty? what the hell is this? why am i so confused? i wish i get 'short term memory loss'!!!

3 years... and those sweet memories!!!

Exactly three years back, we have written GATE... the entrance test conducted all over India for admission into post graduate courses in engineering!!! We used to be very ambitious and used to think about one and only one thing... that is to secure a single digit rank in GATE... those days were really wonderful and unforgettable... i cherished those countless number of hours I spent with my study partner and my best friend, discussing about whole bunch of problems, and those jubiliant smiles on our faces when we succeeded!!! we always kept our positions in top first and second in a class of eighty... and that too for all the four years!!!

Finally, we both cracked the exam and secured good ranks... after months of vacillation between higher studies and a lousy software job, we have finally decided for higher studies!!! but, to our badluck, we both got in different institutes... my dreams for further studies are buried now, at least temporarily!!! she got into one of the best openings a chemical engineer can dream of... and i got into one of the best challenging jobs!!!

three years passed... lot of changes have taken place... both personally and academically... that enthusiasm and zeal to achieve something is not at all there... just the memories remained... again the same lines... We always know that looking back on the tears would make us laugh someday. But we never know that looking back at the moments we laughed together would make us cry someday!!!

the diary...

last night, i was feeling terribly bored and alone... started browsing my old diaries, which are neatly arranged from 2003 onwards... not all the pages are filled but, every page that is filled looked important... i went through some of good old memories, which made me laugh, cry, and finally silent...

i found some of the hotel bills that i 've paid during treat given by me to my girl friend for the first time, the movie tickets, and some of the letters... which includes a small slip saying i am an idiot but still lovable!!! the feeling is awsome... i don't really understand why people have really forgotten the beauty of hand-written letters... a mail reaches a computer, but a letter reaches the hands of our loved ones... the difference is large... we can hug a letter or a diary but not a mail or a computer... sometimes, i feel like i am crazy or over-sentimental... everything that i've shared with my loved ones always reminds me those wonderful days... how romantic is the song "kitni baatein yaad aati hai?"...

the diary is a reflection of our transition from the past to present... it never objects to what we write or feel... true sink for the whole bunch of feelings... it is the only thing that reminds us what we did in the past, how we were, and what decisions we have taken... only thing it demands is a little bit of patience and mood to visit it...

most of my diaries are presented by my friends... of course, if nobody presents, i will take them to some bookstore and make them buy for me... every year, i will buy one or two diaries to present to friends... a kind of selfish gift that we can spend... because, it brings your memory to those friends whenever they write their diary... i have already got one from krishna for the coming year... this year's diary is completely filled with mixed emotions... i must say that there is a clear transition in my personality from the start of the year to the date... hopefully, in a positive direction...

hoping that this habbit of writing diary will not die!!!