it troubles...

Many of us, since childhood, have some dreams/aspirations. We take different paths to reach those goals or fulfil those aspirations. As expected, the usual hurdles, partial successes, failures, and other jugglery will be there in the path. As time progresses, we reach to such state that we are too engrossed in solving the temporary issues and forget the theme of our basic goals.

If one of our good old friends call up and ask about what's the status of so -and-so goal, it blows us like anything! Because, we are already drifted too much from the roots and getting carried away by the winds and storms! It troubles... very badly!

PS: is the good old friend, your inner-self?

hope...

i was standing in my balcony... looking into the sky... there were clouds... moving hastily... there were stars... shining and smiling... showering the rays of beauty... there was one star... shining brighter than the rest... i felt some joy... joy that is inexplicable... i closed my eyes... i could still see that star... then, it was shining even more... there was a smile on my face... something that i never had before... something that i may not have in future... i can still imagine that star... still there... shining bright... shining forever... smiling forever... i have a hope... hope that i will reach there... someday!!!

musings of a loony bachelor...

what does a working lonely bachelor do during weekends? sleeps for long hours, to escape from the loneliness that surrounds due to lack or work and company... eats restaurant food, trying something different, only to discover that there are worse things in life... cleans the room if it is unbearably disorganized, of course, only to get it disorganized again in few hours... washes cloths if they are stinking too much... makes food on his own (that includes great task of mixing hot water into those countless instant mixes), and get bored of that too... tries wearing new dresses although the wardrobes are already stuffed to 200% of their capacity... does lot of work outs, to look fit and healthy... watches sunrise, sunset, full-moon and those beautiful stars... and yes, the bird-watching session too...

huh, the list never ends... but, the underlying fact is that "no matter how much/many other things we possess/pursue, life is always boring without somebody to share with"

last night...

last night... I was sleeping in my bed room... slowly, I started hearing some murmuring from somewhere... suddenly, those voices became clear... now, I could hear them properly... it's a female voice... laughing loudly, and crying in between... I suspected that it must be one of those girls from the next door... I got up and opened the door to see if everything is alright... nobody was there on the stairs... still, the voices are there... I guess, there was a male voice too, making some strange sounds... I went downstairs to see if somebody was there... the apartment security door was wide open and the watchman was nowhere around... something must be really wrong... a sudden chill went down my spine... I went out to find out from where the voices are coming... nobody was nearby, but I saw a short girl, dressed in white gown, walking away from the apartment gates... she must be around 16-18... I could hear her sobbing... I was cursing my watchman for not being there, and I started walking faster to reach her... no idea what I wanted to inquire her, but my curiosity didn't allow me to go back to my flat... I kept walking, and she was walking even faster... but, the sobs were still there... I have gained pace and started running towards her... I was even shouting at her to stop... but, no response from her side and she kept on running... I was panting like anything, and I was damn so tired to run in that midnight, all alone on the empty dark road... finally, she has stopped and I have reached her in another minute... something at the back of my mind was telling me "go back you idiot, it's not your business to care for an unknown girl, at this hour of the midnight"... I've slowly gathered up my courage and asked her, who she was and what she was doing there... she has turned back suddenly... oh my god!!! I was sweating all over my body...

huh... thank god, that was a nightmare!!! and everything was alright... and there was a bottle of water besides my bed to quench my thirst... uff... I think, I should stop watching thriller movies!!!

I wonder...

It is my usual habit to halt at the local road-side kulfi vendor, along with my roomies, to savor the luxury of the dessert... Keeba was buying kulfis for us... I have noticed a pretty woman standing near that shop, while her husband was attending a phone call sitting on his bike... I guess, she must be around 27-28... she wore a red saree in north-Indian style... she has that fair complexion with a color that can only be obtained by mixing gold and sandal wood color... she was stunningly beautiful and absolutely perfect in looks... I kept gazing at her without my conscience... in a couple of seconds, she has noticed this... a momentary feeling of discomfort appeared on her face, followed by an expression of happiness... I could observe that she is faintly trying to hide her smile, closing her lips... huh, that was really amazing... she looked like a star to my eyes... I don't know whether thinking/looking like this is insane or irrational on my part... but, the beauty in front of my eyes was really mesmerizing... her expressions shifted between smiling, naughtiness, teasing, admiration, happiness and so on so many times in those couple of minutes before we came out from that shop... her hubby was still on phone... after walking a bit, I asked Keeba, "shall I go back and buy another kulfi?"... he understood me and said yes... ha hha, somehow I didn't go back... but, as the couple passed us by on their bike, she has given the same naughty smile on her face while looking back at me...

I wonder what is hidden in that smile... I feel jealous for her husband's luck... I guess, that calls for a disturbed sleep tonight!!!

this thing called love...

LOVE... some people simply say it's just a four letter word and it's----- bosh!!! on the other hand, the same four letter word occupies the whole thought process for some!!!

this thing called love... makes one admire even a falling flower... makes one to kiss the ugliest kid... makes one smile even at the extremely difficult times... makes one to hug the tiniest gift that reminds the loved one, and feel as if that's the greatest possession on the earth... makes one sleepless even after a tiresome day... makes one feel nothing is important... makes one wonder how life would have been if this is not there... makes one discover the different person in himself/herself... makes one see beauty in everything that comes their way!!!

this thing called love... makes one feel jealous... makes one feel the distress... makes one frustrated... makes one feel nothing else is important... makes one blind to realities... makes one deaf to conscience, and listen only to heart... makes one go crazy at times... makes one so sad and down... makes one wonder why he/she is still alive and for whom... makes one behave so silly and possessive... makes one forget the self and yearn to be somebody else... makes one laugh at oneself for all that stupidity... makes one fearless to death!!!

this thing called love... is so mysterious!!!

unanswered...

when the rest of the world is moving ahead... moving ahead on a path that never ends... passing through a myriad of phases... leaving everybody puzzled... not knowing the answer for 'what next?'...

when the rest of the world is moving ahead... i am here... i am here, standing still... puzzled with those countless emotions... those countless feelings... unidentified pains... and, unanswered questions...

the dew drop hanging on the lonely leaf of the banyan plant, grown from the corner of my balcony, is making me wonder... making me wonder 'how this tiny thing has acquired so much of beauty out of nowhere?'

the dog lying besides the road, its leg half crushed by the ruthlessly blind city bus driver, and its hunger never fully satisfied, is asking me... asking me 'in what way you are better than me?'

the golden colored cleavage of the girl in a violet silky top, casually exposed by her while standing in the checkout counter of the grossery store, is questioning me... questioning me 'why the hell are you gaping at me? you don't have an invitation here'

the shapeless awkward stone, lying besides a busy traffic road, decorated with fresh garlands, turmeric and incense sticks, is troubling me... troubling me with a thought 'when will these people be self-reliant rather than blindly worshipping some silly stones'

the clear sky in the night after a day full of rain, with its romantic blue color and added decoration of stars, is throwing me a puzzle... a puzzle 'where is your destination among these stars?'

the last leaf on the unnamed tree in front of my college building, turned to brown and dry after its trimphant longer life than its peers, and finally falling to the ground, is inquiring me... inquiring me 'you will be like me someday. when shall we meet?'

to learn how to swim, jump into the pool!!!

i was in my bed... dreaming... dreaming that you are with me... you were sitting besides me... on the same bench... resting your head on the desk... waiting for me to solve the problem... closing your eyes... you look so relaxed... that i am there to solve the things... i was looking into the pages... trying how best i can solve the problem... i did it... then i looked at you... at your cheeks... so smooth with a tinge of pink color... looked at your closed eyes... so innocent... so confident... i was wondering... what if you leave me someday... leaving me all alone... months rolled... and you left me... no, you didn't... time has brought these things... even before i noticed that... what happened next?... i don't know... don't know what am i doing... what am i supposed to do... don't know how to do even the simplest thing on the earth... what happened to me?... where is the energy gone?... what happened to my strengths?... all of them are with you... in you... leaving me as an empty shell... shell of no value... no beauty... no strength... days passed... passed like years... life became miserable... miserable without you... without you giving me the strength... the courage... the confidence... but still... life is going... going on... now i realized... realized that i should learn... learn to live alone... live alone with myself... an individual myself... strong... confident... bold... enthusiastic... and cheerful... those lonely nights... nights without sleep... sleeps without dreams... dreams without colors... colors without brightness... told me the truth... the truth that i should start... start living life... a beautiful life... colorful life... yes... i should... to learn swimming... i should jump into a pool... yes... i am in a pool now... learning how to live... how to live a life... without you... without anybody... with confidence... with liveliness... with energy... i know... i know it is hard... harder than anything... but still... i should... so am i!!!

The quarter-life crisis

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

PS: Author is unknown, I got this through one of my best friends! And, it really touched me.

waiting for 'someone'

dussarah has gone with a long weekend... month has changed... same with the weather... slow swift from clear sky to cloudy... it's awsome to look at this october sky which is partly cloudy and partly bright... the half moon visible in the evening is soooo charming... and so are my thoughts!!! from a state of turbulence, slowly getting into clear zone... the constantly nagging questions like 'what do i want in life?', 'what do i really like to do?', 'what is my destiny?' are still not completely answered... but still, slowly getting accustomed to the fact that life has its charm and beauty in making you ponder about 'what next?'... trying to find joy in every small thing... listening to kenny G's 'joy of life', sankar mahadevan's breathless, suprabhatham by MS, reading at least one short story everyday, sunset, afternoon drizzle, and the bright moon in the sky etc... these things are keeping me healthy and happier... in other words, moon light days have arrived!!!

one more interesting thing... now, i am believing the saying 'someone somewhere is made for you', as is said in 'dil to pagal hai'... but, how can we come to know that 'someone'??? hopefully, we should not bother about this question, i feel... when time comes, something deep in your heart, the bell rings!!! i am waiting for that someone!!!

well, here is a question for you folks... in fact, a doubt which myself wanted to know since long!!! what's the best way to identify your soulmate? is there anything really solid importance this word 'soulmate'? if you could identify that person, what is the best way to approach and make things work out?

lonely night...

Last night, i was feeling sleepless... went to corridor and was watching the fountain... the hostel lights reflected in the puddle are amazing... sky was beautifully clear and stars were shining... came out of my room and sat near the fountain... the waves in the puddle were dancing as if they want to bring my sweet and deep memories to the surface... some of the rooms are still lightened, indicating beauty of labor and wisdom... the cool breeze of the silent night surrounded me... it was thrilling, as if i am with my loved one... a nightingale was singing from its heart... i sat there for a long time... very long time... slowly all the remaining rooms became dark... i was alone... alone in that long night... dreaming of something abstract... dreaming with my eyes wide open... a lonely cloud was passing... it was visible for few minutes and slowly disappeared... it came as if to watch out what i was doing... and it passed... i was left alone again... i lied myself on the fountain wall and was watching into the sky, trying hard to find something... something very important... something very beautiful... something which can make my life meaningful... god!!! direct me, please!!!

confused!!!

nothing is so exciting these days for me... i dont know what happened to me but everything is looking monotonous and boring... the september morning sky is so beautiful and wonderful... still, i am unable to enjoy its beauty... the untimely drizzle is so romantic... yet, i am not able to appreciate its cool touch... the sunset view from my balcony is really awsome... but, i am not in a position to relish it... what happened to me??? as of now, i don't have any answer... i am so confused!!! god knows how far and how long this confusion continues!!!

it's beautiful day!!!

after so many weeks of frustration, things got clear today... it is like a clear blue sky after long lasted clouds are cleared... i dont know whether the way they are cleared are right or not... but, they are cleared... a kind of euphoria has been filled in my heart... now, i am back to the normal state, in fact to an elated state, and enjoying the beauty of life all again...

the breeze of wind is so smooth...
moon in the sky is so bright and romantic...
the lingering thoughts in my mind are so beautiful...
and the hopes for the future are so optimistic...

someone like you...

there are few things sadder in this life than watching somebody walk away from you after they have left you; watching the distance between your bodies expand until nothing is left except the empty space and silence.

This is a dialogue by Jane, a character from the movie 'someone like you', when her loved partner leaves her and walks away. I dont know exactly why i remembered these lines but sometimes i feel these lines are nothing but true. I wonder how can anybody break the promise made to their partner and choose their own path. Dont they retrospect their behavior and respect the relation at all? What happens to the one who was left behind? What happens to the colourful and happiest world imagined between the so called 'soulmates'?

Certainly, the phrase "nothing lasts forever" proves its existence and irony everywhere. Time heals the wound, but not completely. One can take some time for coming out of the phase of self-pity, and build from the zero based state, and ultimately to a comfort zone. There may be so many good (in fact better) friends in that zone. But, somewhere somehow, when the sky is so clear and pleasant, the breeze is so cool, the memories of the broken relation just rush in. A painful pleasure or a pleasant pain, whatever it may be, will make one confused. The trauma prevails for a while, and fades away in the day-to-day hectic life! The cycle repeats!! After all, pain is a part of life which nobody can escape!!!

Isn't the ultimate bliss to find Someone exactly like you??

i am here... i am still here... waiting for you!!!

it is been long since when we see or talk to each other... time has brought many changes... professionally, mentally, and personally... here i am with my deepest feelings which are left unexpressed to you...

you are the one who entered into my life when i was in deep distress... you are the one who understood me so perfectly than anybody else... you are the one who made my life so pleasant than ever... you are the one who can bring smile onto my face... you are the one who made a difference in my life...

when i listen to a beautiful song... when i feel a pleasant evening breeze... when i see the charming moon in the night... when i read a meaningful article... i remember you... i remember only you... i wanted to share all these things with you... immediately, i realise that you are not with me... very far from me...

i remember those days when we used to talk for hours together... i remember those days when we used to share every silly thing on the earth... i remember those days when we used to make fun of each other and yet feel so close to one another... i still remember those sensible letters we exchanged... i remember wonderful dreams we talked about...

but, all of a sudden... without a reason... forget about explanations!!! why did you run away from me? did you ever realise or doubt that you are trying to run away from yourself?? priorities change... yeah... right!!! priorities change in life... but not emotions, i believe...


i am here... i am still here... waiting for you to talk... waiting for you to open your heart... to listen to your voice... even if we are not going to meet again in life... even if you have decided not to talk to me ever... not even to think of me ever...

i am here... i am still here... waiting for you!!!

is it easy to forget someone whom you loved most?

is it easy to forget someone whom you loved most? somehow, i feel the answer is relative!!(?)

at the first place, why do we love somebody? beauty? wealth?? lust??!! or something else??? again the answer is quite relative!! to start with the basic fact that man is a social animal, we always need some company of others.. nobody of us can shut all our doors (mentally) and live for long time.. there is a constant need of sharing thoughts, getting feedbacks, pass the time, to get help and give help...

well!! the underlying fact is that we are so dependent!! yeah.. we are!! we need somebody to tell that we are alright.. we need somebody to let our foolish thoughts vent off.. whenever we find somebody who can share our thoughts, or has some qualities similar to our own, or who can offer sometime to listen to our grievances, it is quite natural to develop some sort of inner closeness towards them.. exactly, the process starts here... as the days progress, the closeness grows to such an extent that we just can't stay without sharing our every trivial thing with the other one.. if the other person is of opposite sex, obviously the feeling of closeness will not take much time to get transformed into so called 'love'!!! of course, here, i am not talking about the love that exists between parents and children, or siblings..

once we are in love, there comes another jealous devil into picture.. namely 'possessiveness'. once it enters, we start expecting many things from the relation and that ultimately leads to problems.. slowly, there comes a stage where we no longer enjoy the relationship just because the other person might not meet the expectations!! the other person may start staying away, or even completely out of our life.. but still, we love them wholeheartedly!!!

it is a fact, whether we are ready to accept or not, that it is not at all possible to completely erase the feeling of love towards that particular person.. time may soothen the pain, but cannot completely cure the problem... we will miss them every moment..

someone can break your heart!!

but, you still love them with every broken piece!!!

that's love!!

so, friends!!! do you agree that it is not possible to forget someone whom you loved most??!!!

why are you crying mom?

A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him. "I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will." Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?" "All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say. The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.. Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?" God said "When I made the woman she had to be special. I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort. I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children. I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining. I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly. I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart. I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly. And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed." "You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."

learning to do things better...

I walk down the street.
There is a hole.
I don't see it.
I fall in.
It isn't my fault.
It takes a very long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is still a deep hole.
I pretend not to see it.
I fall in.
I pretend it's still not my fault.
It takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is still the same deep hole.
I see it.
I fall in anyway.
It's a habit.
I get out quicker this time.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole.
I see it.
I walk around it.
I don't fall in.

I walk down a different street.

when there is no work...

exams are completed.. it's time to relax.. three days are gone without any work. what shall i do? simply roaming around the campus roads and enjoying the scenery.. well, i've got one more day to spend happily..
getting a cable connection, joining swimming classes, burning some calories at gym, reading novels, and catching new movies.. these are the short term goals set for my enjoyment.. but, still it will be so boring without any work..
how nice it would be if life is just a holiday!!