Friday, November 24, 2006

forgive and forget...

The single most important part of any love story is not the courting period, not the honeymoon phase or the actual relationship itself, but how it all ends. This determines your subsequent relationships and, of course, the rest of your life with questions raised like "Is this a rebound thing?" or "Is it a transitional fling?" or "How can you still love someone when you are not over with the other?"

So, before you get into another relationship: lay the ghosts to rest.

To draw a parallel with death, we bury the dead, have a mourning period, get it all out and then have a closing ceremony of sorts after a few days, and then get on with our lives, remembering the person once in a while, cherishing the good things and forgetting the bad because the bad does not matter any more. Now, that's a clue on what to do for closure in a relationship. First, it does not matter whose fault it was. Forgive and forget. Or if it was your fault, apologise and forget. A post mortem is useful. Separate the good things from the bad things. Think of it as the baggage you have to carry for the rest of your journey. Discard the heavy parts of the baggage you cannot share with your next companion. For which you need to resolve the incomplete questions: why did it happen to me? Or why did I mess it up? Or does moving on mean I didn't truly love him/her?

To resolve these questions, you could meet up with each other, remind him/her about the good things, thank him/her for it, do not bring up the bad and make sure to agree on one thing: That it was good till it lasted.

No bad feelings

Remember, this is the funeral. No bad feelings. And now it is time to move on. Agree to be friends who will smile at each other when you do bump in to each other. If the person has caused you so much hurt that you cannot possibly meet them face-to-face, email your feelings to them. Get it out of your system. But make sure you find three good things to say before you think of one bad thing.

Forgive. Unconditionally. Because, it does not matter whose fault it was. Death is death, heart attack or kidney failure or murder or suicide does not matter. The fact is you have to live without the other. You might meet each other someday and the ghosts would come back if not exorcised.

So perform the final rites. Delete the messages that weigh you down and remind you about the great tragedy. Take the gifts out of the cupboard and keep them out with your other stuff. And do this slowly and steadily, take your time. There is a good enough reason why there's a feast at the end of 13 days after a funeral.

After which, date people with an open mind. Not that you simply have to. Meeting new people just adds a new dimension to your life.

Forget the scars of the previous relationship. If you do keep talking about the scars, you stand a good chance to scratch them or open them up while discussing them. No person you date will appreciate you talking so much about the previous relationship. It could either ruin your current relationship or worse, make your date support the other and argue with you on who was right and who was wrong.

Forgetting is possible only if you forgive. Unconditionally. Just like the key to a relationship lies in giving. Unconditionally.

PS:this article is taken from yesterday's metro plus of hindu.

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